By Rachel Majors MA, ICCE, ICBD, Doula, Childbirth Educator

As a doula and childbirth educator, I’ve noticed that as parents look ahead toward the BIG DAY — the birth of their much-anticipated new baby — anxiety often increases, and the questions they ask get…less straightforward. Most educators will get caught off guard by an unexpected question at some point, and in this post, I am going to attempt to preempt those moments of speechlessness by sharing a few questions that I have been asked — more than once! — that left me momentarily struggling for an answer. 

1. “My mom says that an unmedicated birth is unrealistic and I should just accept that I am going to need an epidural —is she right?” 

The number of questions that I get as an educator that begin with “My mom says…” (or my aunt, or my MIL, or my friend, or well-meaning stranger) is staggering. While I think it is important to acknowledge that almost all advice is well-intended, not all advice is created equal.  

When a medical provider gives evidence-based guidance, it’s worth serious consideration. When Great Aunt Sally says that if you eat chicken during pregnancy your baby will be born with acne (true story from my time living in Malaysia!), it’s okay to take that with a grain of salt. 

Along with needing to consider the evidence behind any advice, I remind new parents that the birth of their baby is a really big deal. Like, maybe the biggest “deal” that you will ever do. And parents (many who are soon to be grandparents) tend to remember their own births with a lot of emotion, which can lead to pretty biased advice about “the right way” to do things.

I also see a lot of expectant moms coming in with advice that they have been given that is out of date, or simply not aligned with what she wants from her birth.  

The main point that I always want my students to come away with is that this is THEIR birth story, and they are the most important people in the room when they are giving birth (well…them and their baby!). It is okay—and great actually! — to advocate for having the birth that they want, not what other people want for them. I do always say this with the caveat though, that their bodies and their babies are calling the shots and that advice from the medical team is truly important advice. It should be given much more weight than Grandma Gertrude’s advice regarding how to avoid pooping during labor. Which leads me to… 

2. “What if I poop during labor?” 

My answer to students: the bottom line is (haha — bottom!) that if you poop during labor, then you poop during labor. It will either go completely unacknowledged, or be applauded in a way that no other poo you have ever taken has been celebrated.  

I remind my students that the muscles needed to push a baby out are a lot of the same muscles that are needed to push a poo out. So basically, if you poop while you are pushing, you are doing a great job! In fact, a common cue L&D nurses, OBs and midwives look for to know if you are ready to start pushing is for you to say that you feel like you need to poop. 

As a doula, I have seen lots of labors where women have pooped, lots of labors where no one has pooped, and only a few labors where the mom actually knows for a fact whether or not she has pooped. There are many more important and exciting things going on to really worry too much about poop. But, I tell moms that if they do poop, it will be onto a disposable bed pad that will quickly be removed and replaced. And that these pads are being changed throughout labor often anyway, so they probably won’t even know about it. 

My advice to birth partners in the class is that if you need to poop during labor, find another bathroom in the waiting room or other area since people in labor are quite sensitive to smell!   

3. “What medications can I have during labor when it starts to hurt?” 

I always remind students that options vary depending on a lot of different things — from the place that they are giving birth, to their medical and pregnancy histories, to how the baby is coping with labor. But generally, the medical options are: 

  • Epidurals (or spinal anesthesia) 
  • Analgesics  
  • Nitrous Oxide (for the laboring person only — partners do not get to use this, although there have been times that I felt that everyone in the room might benefit from the spouse having a little bit of nitrous to help calm them down too…) 

I find that many first-time parents don’t know that there are any other options for pain relief other than epidurals, so I make sure to lay out the pros and cons of each medical pain relief option, as well as the side effects and how those can be mitigated.

An activity that I often do either in class, or with clients who I see as a doula is ask parents to decide what level of pain relief they want — from “no epidural no matter what” to “an epidural ASAP.” Then they talk to each other about what steps will help them reach this. Ideas include laboring at home for as long as possible, having a “safe word” that means “BRING THE DRUGS NOW!”, or packing a bag of massage aids and other comfort items that they bring to the hospital with them.

I also often bring out my “doula bag” in class to show them some comfort items that I bring to the hospital for clients so that they can pack some of those things for themselves. 

4. “What is even the point of writing a birth plan if everything is unpredictable anyway?” 

It is true; labor and birth are often unpredictable, and things do not always go according to plan. But that’s life, right?! And it is generally not advised to go through life without any plans or goals or knowledge of what is out there, so why start your baby’s life that way? 

I tell students that a birth plan is more of an educational and communication tool than a true “plan.” Plan implies that we know what is going to happen, and in fact, other than that you will birth a baby, we don’t know for sure what is going to happen. But if you (and hopefully your support person as well) have learned about possible scenarios and discussed your preferences and contingency plans, then when and if these scenarios present themselves, you will feel more prepared and empowered in the decisions you make. 

5. “Am I entirely useless?” (asked every non-childbearing partner preparing to attend a labor ever) 

NO! But, as an educator and a doula, I can say that this is the number one concern that I hear from birth partners and support people. It can be difficult for those in the labor room who are not the person giving birth or the care team to know what to do with themselves. I have seen partners do some pretty funny things because they want so badly to be helpful, but have no idea what to do. Once, a dad started putting on gloves when the nurse (who was about to do a cervical check) did! I had to gently remind him that he would not be participating in that particular task.  

So what can support people do?! And how can educators help them help?!  

I often joke with my students and clients that my job is really just as much about educating, directing, and comforting birth partners as it is about educating, directing, and comforting birthing people. The first thing that I always emphasize to support people is that presence is truly the most important thing. Showing up and being in that room is what matters most. Bonus points if they are able to be present in the sense that they can stay off of their phones and be entirely focused on the person in labor. 

While presence really is what matters most, it can still feel to support people like they are helpless and useless when their partner’s body is doing all the work and the care team has everything under control. This is why I give support people a list (and maybe a little practice in class!) of things that they can do to help their partner. This really applies to labor as well as breastfeeding and the postpartum periods.

My list for during labor includes: 

  • Massages 
  • Getting cold washcloths or heating pads 
  • Offering snacks/water 
  • Helping with position changes 
  • Putting on music or a show when distraction might help 
  • Communicating with the care team  

For the breastfeeding and postpartum period, I tell support people that yes — part of their new job description absolutely includes being an on‑call snack sherpa, camel, pillow‑fetcher, beverage‑provider, burp‑cloth runner, remote‑locator, phone‑charger‑deliverer, and designated responder to the constant stream of “How are you feeling?!” family texts. But their role is also so much more than being a runner of errands. 

Partners are key players in: 

  • Supporting early bonding (skin‑to‑skin, soothing the baby, learning newborn cues, helping with burping or diaper changes) 
  • Helping with breastfeeding (assisting with positioning, helping manage pillows, noticing signs of a good latch, protecting feeding time from interruptions) 
  • Providing emotional support (encouragement, reassurance, being a steady presence when things feel overwhelming) 
  • Advocating for the new parent (helping communicate needs to nurses, visitors, or providers) 
  • Managing the environment (lights, noise, visitors, temperature — all the things that make postpartum more comfortable) 
  • Connecting to resources (calling the lactation consultant, reaching out to a doula, lining up a follow‑up appointment) 
  • Taking on newborn care tasks so the birthing parent can rest, heal, or nap

When partners understand the full scope of their role, they go from feeling “useless” to being a massive source of strength and support — which is exactly what most new families need. 

6. “What if my partner faints?” 

This causes both pregnant people and their partners more anxiety than I would have expected, and comes up SO frequently in the classes I teach. And rightfully so, because sometimes partners do faint! But not as often as the students in my classes seem to think it will happen. 

I have found that a lot of people are worried about fainting during labor, or their partner being the fainter because they hate the sight of blood, or have fainted before in stressful situations. But, I have been a doula for many of those people and really very few of them actually faint. 

It’s a bit hard to explain to expectant parents what the general experience of being in the delivery room will be like, and even then, we know that things are different for everyone! But one thing that is almost always true in the delivery room, is that when it is time to push, or when the baby is being delivered via cesarean, adrenaline is high, and adrenaline generally stops people from fainting. So, many partners who think they will almost certainly faint, don’t.  

But if they do faint, I tell them that the medical team will take good care of them. They’ll likely be helped to a seat, given a cool washcloth, maybe some juice, and a moment to regroup while the team continues focusing on the birth.

7. “What if my MIL really, really wants to be in the delivery room, but I really, really don’t want her there?” 

This one comes up frequently in tandem with question #1, and my answer is pretty similar. I remind my students or clients that this is their birth, and they get to call the shots. And plus, having your MIL’s little grandbaby is great leverage to get her to forgive you, or at least release you from the guilt trip. 

Now, full honesty: I am a very non‑confrontational, people‑pleasing type myself, so if my MIL had wanted to be in the delivery room, I would have definitely struggled to say no. My instinct initially would be to use… let’s call them…“lighthearted avoidance strategies,” such as: 

  • Waiting to tell her you’re in labor until after the baby is born (“It all happened so fast!”). 
  • Blaming your partner for forgetting to call (classic!). 
  • Sending her on a wild goose chase for some impossible‑to-find item on the way to the hospital. 

All of these make people laugh because they reflect how tricky family dynamics can feel — but I always follow that up with a healthier, more sustainable approach. 

 A healthier — and ultimately easier — path: 

If you want to protect your birth space and your relationships, you can set kind, clear boundaries like: 

  • “We’ve decided to keep the birth space very small and private.” 
  • “We want this time to be just us and the medical team.” 
  • “We’ll let you know when we’re ready for visitors.” 
  • “We’d love your support after the birth — that would actually help us the most.” 

For those who still find direct communication overwhelming, I reassure them that it’s okay to delay updates until they’re ready or to ask their partner to handle the communication so they can stay focused on labor. 

The bottom line? You never need an excuse to control who is in your birth space. Your comfort, safety, and emotional wellbeing matter — and your boundaries are valid, even if they feel hard to express. 

8. “Do I really need to get stitches down there?!” 

Short answer: maybe.  

I’m often surprised by the number of students who are convinced that they will need an episiotomy because their baby measured big at the 20-week ultrasound. And there are even more students who are surprised (but very relieved) when I tell them that episiotomies are not routinely practiced anymore. This is an area where, again, I always make sure to throw in the caveat that there will always be instances where this is not the case, but most birthing people will not receive an episiotomy, even if their baby is large. I explain that the more common practice now is to support the perineum and allow the body to open naturally at its own pace, rather than routinely making a cut. 

A word to the wise: make sure you let everyone know that if they do need stitches, they will be numbed before those stitches are placed! It saves much needless spiraling and panicking for many people. 

This has been a very non-exhaustive list of common— but often not formally covered — in every curriculum, questions that I am asked frequently as a childbirth educator. I hope it gives you a starting place for thinking of some of the other not-so-cut-and-dried type questions that you might get in class, so that they will be less alarming when they come up.  

About the Author

Rachel Majors MA, ICCE, ICBD, Doula, Childbirth Educator

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